Suspicious minds
As I read the papers today I am distressed by all the headlines that point to suspicious behaviour from the globe trotting fellow Indian. It seems that we have an uncalnny habit of making a nuscence of ourselves. Well as the regulars would have discerned by now Sanjay is a man (?) of action. And action for a consultant = advise. I forsee (something that I regularly do; trust you guys read all the footer posts) that there is going to be a backlash of sorts and we going to take it out on all the Europeans, Brits (yes a class by themselves), Aussies (specially those named Hair) and Americans. I sympathise with these poor chappies here just to look at some sculptures, beaches, elephants, cows on streets and temples (perhaps not in that order) and possibly those that have deigned to populate our cities in the name of teachin us the ropes.
My advise to you folks:
Airport etiquette:
1) On arrival at the airport do not look in disgust at the spit marks that adorn our lobbies. This will immediately raise the antenna of our friendly neighbourhood security personnel who are primarily responsible for introducing you to this quaint art form that is probably unique to the interiors in our land. Regular visitors are advised to carry a pouch of beetle juice and try and contribute to the ambience. I am afraid you will never get as good as us though, but I see no harm in your trying. Au contraire if you were to raise your eye-brows to such an exhibition I can assure you that we will profile you and detain you fer questioning.
2) Should you have made the mistake of carrying expensive scotch in do not express surprise to see that the bottle is missing once your stuff comes out of the X-ray machine. Import of such articles is strictly prohibited and our X-ray machines are trained to dish out instant justice. Your punishment = loss of bottle. Should you choose to bring this anomaly to the attention of the authorites in question (called customs officers; cause they represent an introduction to subcontinental culture) you are inviting trouble and are likely to relieved of your carton of cigarettes / chocolates as well. Avoid such suspicious behaviour.
3) The Taxi union in our country is one of the most honest commisions that you will come across here. They work in close cahoots with the cops to keep an eye on prospective trouble brokers. Pay for the prepaid cab and sit back and enjoy the ride. Midway on a desolate flyover dont be surprised if the cab driver stops and asks for more compensation. This is a standard filter. If this incident is to occur, you only have yourself to blame. Should you choose to agree to pay up perhaps they might believe that they made an error in their judgement and proceed to take you to your chosen destination. If not please be ready to drag your bags across the flyover in the middle of the night. The poor cab driver meanwhile aghast at your conduct is likely to alert the cops. So complaining to them is likely to cause only more grief.
Public place conduct:
1) Drinking water: To truely blend in and look the part please acclimatise yourself to drinking tap water here as opposed to bottled Evian or Coke. Everyone here knows that drinking bottled stuff is akin to drinking raw pesticide. Anyone with such a deathwish has no self preservation instinct and given the low respect for ones own life is likely to turn into a human bomb at the drop of a bottle cap. The common sentiment here is that such people ought to be locked away. So tap water it is. If anything is to happen to you please donate your corpse to the local medical collage.
2) Littering: Recycling litter is one of the most succesfull industries in our country. It could be anything; plastic, paper, glass....err rubber...whatever it is it can be reused. After your done with using such articles, do not naturally assume that their utility is exhausted. Even more important do not look for organised litter bins to dispose your waste. Simply throw the stuff by the side on the road or wherever you are. Looking for wastebins will attract attention from the moral and other Police not to mention curious onlookers. Trust me you dont want the attention. And if you do, perhaps your intentions are not as honorable as I assume they are.
3) Consumption of alcohol: Consumption of alcohol is generally prohibited in Gandhis land. To do so ordinary citizens need a 'permit' or an expat passport; something you probably hold. If you are the wrong type you probably have them by the dozen' but one doubts if anyone will raise an eyebrow should you choose to exhibit. Its important to note that the locals expect you to drink till you pass out. Any lesser and your probably a spy. Should you choose to patronise some of the more hoity toity places that are scatterred across the urban landscape, do not ask for the local produce!! Stick to Carona, Heiniken, Becks, Johnny Walker...lest you choose to be written off as a destitute rag picker here to blow up the local machinery.
Too much methinks, I have already revealed to you. Should I choose to share anymore inputs I would probably become a security risk, and have to cross roads with the authorites in Q. So on this note I come to an end.
Enjoy your visit here and take my advise... its free!!!!
My advise to you folks:
Airport etiquette:
1) On arrival at the airport do not look in disgust at the spit marks that adorn our lobbies. This will immediately raise the antenna of our friendly neighbourhood security personnel who are primarily responsible for introducing you to this quaint art form that is probably unique to the interiors in our land. Regular visitors are advised to carry a pouch of beetle juice and try and contribute to the ambience. I am afraid you will never get as good as us though, but I see no harm in your trying. Au contraire if you were to raise your eye-brows to such an exhibition I can assure you that we will profile you and detain you fer questioning.
2) Should you have made the mistake of carrying expensive scotch in do not express surprise to see that the bottle is missing once your stuff comes out of the X-ray machine. Import of such articles is strictly prohibited and our X-ray machines are trained to dish out instant justice. Your punishment = loss of bottle. Should you choose to bring this anomaly to the attention of the authorites in question (called customs officers; cause they represent an introduction to subcontinental culture) you are inviting trouble and are likely to relieved of your carton of cigarettes / chocolates as well. Avoid such suspicious behaviour.
3) The Taxi union in our country is one of the most honest commisions that you will come across here. They work in close cahoots with the cops to keep an eye on prospective trouble brokers. Pay for the prepaid cab and sit back and enjoy the ride. Midway on a desolate flyover dont be surprised if the cab driver stops and asks for more compensation. This is a standard filter. If this incident is to occur, you only have yourself to blame. Should you choose to agree to pay up perhaps they might believe that they made an error in their judgement and proceed to take you to your chosen destination. If not please be ready to drag your bags across the flyover in the middle of the night. The poor cab driver meanwhile aghast at your conduct is likely to alert the cops. So complaining to them is likely to cause only more grief.
Public place conduct:
1) Drinking water: To truely blend in and look the part please acclimatise yourself to drinking tap water here as opposed to bottled Evian or Coke. Everyone here knows that drinking bottled stuff is akin to drinking raw pesticide. Anyone with such a deathwish has no self preservation instinct and given the low respect for ones own life is likely to turn into a human bomb at the drop of a bottle cap. The common sentiment here is that such people ought to be locked away. So tap water it is. If anything is to happen to you please donate your corpse to the local medical collage.
2) Littering: Recycling litter is one of the most succesfull industries in our country. It could be anything; plastic, paper, glass....err rubber...whatever it is it can be reused. After your done with using such articles, do not naturally assume that their utility is exhausted. Even more important do not look for organised litter bins to dispose your waste. Simply throw the stuff by the side on the road or wherever you are. Looking for wastebins will attract attention from the moral and other Police not to mention curious onlookers. Trust me you dont want the attention. And if you do, perhaps your intentions are not as honorable as I assume they are.
3) Consumption of alcohol: Consumption of alcohol is generally prohibited in Gandhis land. To do so ordinary citizens need a 'permit' or an expat passport; something you probably hold. If you are the wrong type you probably have them by the dozen' but one doubts if anyone will raise an eyebrow should you choose to exhibit. Its important to note that the locals expect you to drink till you pass out. Any lesser and your probably a spy. Should you choose to patronise some of the more hoity toity places that are scatterred across the urban landscape, do not ask for the local produce!! Stick to Carona, Heiniken, Becks, Johnny Walker...lest you choose to be written off as a destitute rag picker here to blow up the local machinery.
Too much methinks, I have already revealed to you. Should I choose to share anymore inputs I would probably become a security risk, and have to cross roads with the authorites in Q. So on this note I come to an end.
Enjoy your visit here and take my advise... its free!!!!
penned by Sanjay at 2:29 PM
1 Comments:
Ha ha ah ah... lovely! This should be a standard issue on all flights to India! :D
Post a Comment
<< Home